Alhough not all of beautiful AMALGAM READERS may be Jewish, some of you
may. Some of you may know someone who is "not practicing," I still encourage to
read on because within this blog you will find vital information on how that man
or woman be forgiven.
Yom Kippur is the day of attonement for Jews. It comes ten days after the
new year, in which between these days we sit and think about all the bad things
we did to others in the past year and how we can make our lives better. It does
not matter if you have gone off with prostitutes, gambled your allowance money
away, drank too much till you vomited before grandma's matzah ball soup, cheated
on your college algebra class, or whatever may have you.
If you fast for slightly over 24 hours, (
includes drinking, eating,
toothpaste, chewing gum, smoking ciggarettes) you have a chance at a new
leaf. You are not supposed to work. You shouldn't watch tv. No sex. Repeat. THIS
ALSO INCLUDES NO SEX WITH SELF
Now I friggin know hat the majority of my readers probably give 2
craps about Holy days. Well, trasure this moment. THIS IS VITAL NECESSARY FREE
ADVICE i AM ABOUT TO GIVE YOU!
but in any case, I will figure out how you can identify with this blog, and
move on to utilize it from wednesday night to thursday sundown.
If you wish to avoid issues with people such as a date with some guy or
girl. Tell them your Jewish this day. You are celebrating Yom Kippur and you
can't eat with them. ie. " S
orry baby, I'd go out with ya but Im Jewish and
its Yom Kippur (yom kippur, like zipper). " Easy as that try it yourself
out loud.
another example.
If that special someone thinks thier so special to drink you off your feet
and take you home, oh now....tell them....its Yom Kippur. No sex no
drinking.
"Hey mister(or missy) Im gonna have to head home and take a rain check.
BTW, don't call me. Its Yom Kippur."
hey is someone wants to watch the playoffs and the red sox aren't playing
but you have to be dragged in to this annoying fact that other baseball teams
think they are legit...tel them you are attoning for your sins.
"listen you now i just love watching baseball with you but I gonna go
hang sith my rabbi. Its Yom kippur"
Remember that if you are hit with a rebuttal line, like "
what about
friday?"
Tell them
"ha...funny you ask.Thats shabbos. The day of rest. We don't talk on
the phone or watch TV that day neither."
Usually two disses and the people get the point.
**SO you have now officially been forgiven. You have also not been dissed
by these people becuase your reason for not showing up was religious. They have
a great excuse to tell thier friends while you carry on your merry ways.
To be forgiven by me, I only have one request. Please go purchase a copy of
"Freestyle Vs Written. Also note, I was never mad at you anyways. but I guess I
want to carry on the legitimacy of this blog.
note *it is much more difficult to actually BECOME JEWISH in real
life. I also have nothing to do with that process nor would understand why
anyone would actually do so.Thanks.